No Problem

Billy Ledford, LCSW

"We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them."

Albert Einstein

"Only clear vision and deep understanding can bring change.  Change comes when you see facts because every situation has its own solution.  When your starting-point is already divided, it cannot possibly give rise to anything other than further division, which in its turn causes conflict and a state of disequilibrium."

                                                                                                Jean Klein, I Am

            Your wife comes home and tells you about her stressful day at work.  She tells you about the employee who is a "trouble-maker" and how he sat through the whole meeting mumbling under his breath and criticizing everything that was said.  She tells you about the other employee who is always negative and complains about everything.  She then talks about the people at headquarters and how they are so unreasonable.  She asks out loud, "Don't they know that it is the holidays, and we do not have the time to re-submit our budgets?"  After going on like this for about thirty minutes she looks at you and asks, "So what do you think about all that?"

Your friend calls you on the phone and starts complaining about her younger sister saying, "She is so irresponsible.  When is she ever going to grow up?  She knows that she can call me, and I will eventually give in to her request for more money.  The fact is she never calls me unless she needs something.  Just once I would like for her to call me to see how I am doing.  Is that too much to ask for?  What is a sister to do?"  There is a pause in the conversation now.  You realize that she is waiting for your wise counsel.

How do we help in these situations?  Do we give advice?  Do we tell them what course of action we would take if we were in the same situation?  Do we help them to psychoanalyze the other parties involved so they can understand them more?  Do we teach them assertiveness techniques? 

Our typical responses come from the mentality that the source of the stress is in the other person or in the situation itself.  If only that employee would stop being such a trouble-maker.  If only that other employee would stop being so negative.  If only headquarters would consider that we are already stressed as it is without adding more work.  If only my sister would grow up and take some responsibility.  If only, if only, if only.

The usual problem-solving techniques involve identifying the problem and then taking some sort of action to alleviate it.  In order for this process to work we have to believe in the reality of the problem situation.  We see that it is a "real problem" and that it needs solving.  We create whole narratives that explain how the problem came to be and how destructive it is to our own peace of mind.  We then conclude that the only way to get our peace of mind back is to "fix the problem." 

 

            When I find myself on the receiving end of the above types of conversations, I am often left speechless.  I do not know what to say that will help the person to solve their problem.  The reason for this is that I usually do not see that a problem even exists.  Consider the conversation about the "irresponsible sister."  When I am listening to such a conversation I am hearing a long list of judgments that might sound something like this:

            "She is so irresponsible"

            "She needs to grow up"

            "She manipulates me to give her money"

            "She only calls if she needs something"

            "She never asks how I am doing"

            "She is not interested in me"

            "I need her to be concerned with how I am doing"

            If your friend tries to solve her perceived "problem" from the perspective of the kind of thinking listed above, she is only going to create more of a problem and more division between her and her sister.  It is this "problem mentality" that is itself, in my opinion, the real problem (and I would even question that).  It is based on the idea that my inner world will be better if I can make the outer world more to my liking. 

A whole different perspective on problems is to see that the outer world is a projection of the inner world.  The problem does not exist "out there."  The problem exists in my thinking.  It is not the sister that is the problem.  It is your friend's ongoing list of judgments that is creating the difficulty with her sister.

Therefore, when someone is seeking my advice on situations like these, what I want to tell them is, "Use The Work to question your thinking."  I say that this is what I "want" to tell them because, so far, I have not been very well received when I say such things.  It seems that people are so invested in their stories that they do not like to consider that it is the stories themselves that are the source of their stress.  What they usually want is for me to agree with their story and help them to determine how to get the other people to cooperate.

Let's look at what might happen if the friend were to follow my advice and question her thinking.  We could start with the belief, "She manipulates me to give her money."  To begin with, I would ask the woman, "Is it true?  Is it true that she manipulates you to give her money?"  Her answer to this first question will probably be, "Yes, it is true."

Next, I would ask her, "Can you absolutely know that it's true that she manipulates you to give her money?"  This is her second chance to go within to find her authentic answer to this question.  Can she absolutely know that it is true that her sister is manipulating her?  Can she absolutely know that she is being manipulated?  Her job with this question is to go within to find the answer that is true for her in the moment.  Let's assume her answer to this second question is also, "Yes."

I then ask her, "How do you react when you believe the thought that your sister manipulates you to give her money?  How do you treat her when you believe this thought?  How do you treat yourself?"  Here is her possible answer:  "I feel anger and resentment.  I feel powerless and weak.  I start to imagine that this will go on for the rest of my life.  I see no end to my pain and frustration.  I get to the point that I dread even talking with her.  I am short with her on the phone.  When the phone rings and I see that it is her on the caller ID, I immediately brace myself for another episode of her begging and my initial resistance, followed by feelings of guilt and giving in.  I answer the phone in a bad mood.  I talk badly about her to our other siblings.  I see myself as weak and gullible.  I start to hate myself.  I am very unkind to myself."

Finally, I ask her, "Without changing anything else regarding your conversations with your sister, who would you be without the thought that she manipulates you to give her money?  How would you treat her differently without the thought?  Who would you be in your sister's presence without your story?"  Her response might sound like this: "I would be relaxed; at ease.  I would be present with my sister on the phone or in person.  I would enjoy talking with her.  I would be a sane person -- a peaceful person.  My heart would be open to my sister when the phone rings, when I see her name on the caller ID, when she asks me for money or not.  If I give money I would not feel so much anger and resentment."

It should be obvious by now that the problem with the sister is not in her behavior but in your friend's thoughts about her behavior.  Without the thought there does not seem to be a problem.  There is simply two loving sisters and a conversation on the phone that might or might not involve money.

Once your friend has answered the four questions it is time to turn the thought around.  One possible turnaround is to the self, "I manipulate me to give her money."  Isn't it just as true that your friend is manipulating herself?  Look at her answer to the question, "How do you react when you believe the thought?"  Look at all of the ways that her mind creates a story and manipulates her into feeling guilty, being weak and gullible, being powerless over her life, etc. 

Another possible turnaround is to the other, "I manipulate my sister to give her money."  This is where the older sister can go within and find all the ways that she has manipulated her younger sister over the years to get her to be dependent on her.  She can look at all of the ways she has taught her sister how to treat her.  It is here that she can look at her part in this continuous game she plays with her sister.  It is with these first two turnarounds that she can start taking some responsibility for her own actions and the way they impact her sister.

Another turnaround is to the opposite, "She does not manipulate me to give her money."  Perhaps now she can see how this is true by looking at all the above ways that she manipulates herself and her sister.  She might also be able to see all of the times that she has talked to her sister on the phone and the subject of money did not even come up.  Now your friend is opening her eyes to more of the truth.  She is seeing a fuller picture of her sister.

I then might go back to the first question and ask her, "So, she manipulates you to give her money.  Is that true?"  By this time it should be very clear that the answer is, "No."  Isn't that amazing.  In the space of about 15-20 minutes this woman has completely revolutionized the way she relates to her sister.  She is able to see that what she thought was a problem a few minutes earlier is no longer a problem for her.

I would conclude my time with her by asking her which of the above turnarounds resonate the most with her.  Let's say she picks, "I manipulate me to give her money."  I would ask her how she might live this turnaround in her interactions with her sister.  "How would your life and your relationship with your sister be different if you lived this turnaround?"

As your friend continues to question her thoughts about her sister, she will find herself operating more and more from inner clarity and wisdom.  It is from this place of clarity and deep understanding that true change can occur.  It is from here that appropriate actions arise.  

This is vastly different from operating out of the "problem-solving" mentality.  If your friend had not questioned her thoughts, she would continue to see her sister as the enemy.  She would be blind to all the ways that she has contributed to the situation with her sister.  She would try some way to manipulate the outer world while continuing to ignore the inner world.  As a result, she would continue to project an outer world of division, conflict and confusion -- an outer world that is the mirror image of her inner world.

Once we meet our thoughts with understanding, we see that even they are not the problem.  Our thoughts are only problems when we believe them.  When we no longer believe our thoughts we see that we live in a world of "no problems."  And, from this problem-free place, the appropriate response to any situation naturally arises.

(Note: To learn more about "The Work of Byron Katie" --
four questions and a turnaround -- read Loving What Is or go to www.thework.com. 
To schedule an appointment with Billy to do The Work with him call 381-4771)


Copyright 2008 Billy Ledford.  All rights reserved